Struggling

It’s always a somewhat good feeling when you can look at your life from a different persons perspective and hear the imaginary person say, but you’ve got it all put together. You have a decent job, your husband is going back to school, you are well put together and you are living comfortably. Just writing that makes me want to pull my hair out. Writing that makes me wonder how fake we’ve been over the last 9 months, or have we been?

I’ll admit, our little fledgling marriage is much further than we thought it would be but no where close to where it might go. We accept that, take joy in it, roll up our sleeves and get working.  That in itself is not the struggle.

When I got married, I joined a family where my hubby is the 4th of 6 kids. We were the 3rd wedding of 4 in two years. I gained a total of 6 nieces and nephews, who are all completely adorable. Since we got married, 3 of my in laws have gotten pregnant, including the couple that just got married last month. I wish them love and  every happiness in the world. I will have a new nephew in October, and two undisclosed little ones; one in January and one in April. Each one is loved, a gift and completely unplanned. All of the above, I’m ok with. What I’m not ok with is I’m not pregnant too.

The running joke before our wedding and at our reception is we will be pregnant in a month. Nine months later and not even the hint of a positive pregnancy test, including a test this morning. My husband and I knew that with our life as it is, wouldn’t be ideal for a child but we wanted to try. Go ahead and call me selfish but I have my reason, I am at high risk for infertility.

Before you laugh and balk, my grandmother went into menopause early at 27 after having my aunt. My mom had stage 4 endometriosis that she had to have treated several times before she had me. Then she went into early menopause after she had me at 30. My mom’s sister was completely unable to have children after a uterine cancer treatment rendered her sterile at the age of 26. Low and behold here I sit at 25, my periods have become highly irregular and all I can do is pray for a breakthrough bleed to reset my cycle. Things are not looking good, and my doctor thinks I’m crazy because I think that I’m going to be the same way.

Go ahead and call me selfish, but a family is something I’ve always wanted to share life with. I just didn’t want it only to be as the doting aunt who rarely gets to see her nieces and nephews. It hurts looking at my family history and knowing that, I just may not ever get pregnant.

So I leave with this thought, cranky and somewhat cantankerous as I am being, I am loved, I have 9 nieces and nephews that I adore, I have two families that love my husband and I, and a husband I wouldn’t trade for the world. In faith, I need to step forward and keep going because I will never make progress if I stay stuck in the present.

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One thought on “Struggling

  1. Molly W says:

    It can be beat! I was diagnosed with endo on the operating table after having son in February – I don’t know the stage, but it can’t be good when they can diagnosis it by sight. We beat the odds once and are also determined to do so again though in the last couple generations no one in my family has successfully had a child after the age of 30 (and I’m 28). There are a lot of sights and blogs supporting Catholic women through fertility problems that have been helpful and honestly we might not have gotten our son with out NFP – keep doing it!

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